Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
