I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
