mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
