Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
