He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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