I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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