I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
