My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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