my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
