I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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