Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
