just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
