So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
