And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
