All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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