I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
