I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
