No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
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fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
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I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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