I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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