Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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