Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
