I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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