Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
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Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
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MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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