today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
