i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
