You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
