my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
