all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
