im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We left the knife in your bed.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
