don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
