Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
