my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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