It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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