i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
