Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
