i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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