Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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