ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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