today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
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Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
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He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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