I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I have tasted many bathrooms
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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