Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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