Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
