On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
