Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
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He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I want to fling myself into the sun
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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