don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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