Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
