Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
