I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
