He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
