I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
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There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
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Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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