My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
