Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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