She announced her abortion via fbk
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
