i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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