it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sorry my hands just texted you
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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