Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
