I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
